LA Chronicles 13.1 (Half Marathon Special)

As an early disclaimer, these “good” times happened in Long Beach vs. LA but it is all the same to anyone unfamiliar with the 10, 110, 405, and 710. I’m not even sure how this actually happened since I didn’t lose a bet that I know of. Today October 11^th, I competed in the Long Beach Half Marathon. A couple things on that: 1) Not sure why they call it half as I’m pretty sure anytime you run for 13 miles it should be considered full plus some more; 2) I “competed” but it should be appropriately titled I beat up myself for 13 miles. I gave myself a goal of 1 hour and 55 minutes going into the race. I’m not really sure where this number came from since no math will give you 1:55. I knew I would run it under 2 hours because my special running slippers would have expired like Cinderella’s at Midnight after 120 minutes. Speaking of which, what was she doing out that late anyway? She knew she had to be in or else the poo hits the fan after the deadline. She should have got to the party early, drank the free early drinks (I always hear them advertised on the radio), and scooped her Prince Charming. This is what is wrong with relationships today. Not really but it sounded good and I digress.

The made up goal proved to actually be a challenge. My first mile came in at a plump 9 min 32 secs. I blame it on all the slow people in front of me but it probably has more to do with the 7am start with no sun, urban legends, and me saving my speed for mile 14. Following that less than ideal start, I was forced to do what we runners call “Run Fatboy Run.” Mile 2-4 featured me asking myself do I really want to do this. I was still close enough to the car that I could turn this running into something useful, a getaway. Mile 5-7 featured a number of algebra equations trying to calculate what percentage I had left in the race compared to how much I had in my legs. I also crossed the 10K point which is of significance as I have the Nike+ Human Race 10K coming up on 10/23. I quickly realized if I had a time machine that would take me forward 12 days I could be done running. Miles 8-9 were actually highlights as I got into a groove with a 7:30 min/mile pace that got me closer to that made up goal. Mile 10-11 thought 8 & 9 were show-offs so they decided to let me get passed by everyone’s grandparents. No really your granny can run her butt off. I guess she has no plans of waiting for this healthcare stuff to work itself out. Mile 12 was the longest mile of my life. I’m still mentally running it. Mile 13 didn’t exist as it didn’t feature a sign. Good thing the finish line was in view or else I’d be a little upset with the mile marker thief. I left just enough in the tank to actually sprint out the last 15 feet. It was great and I’m sure there is a video of it on youtube or maybe even Hulu. So after 13.1 rounds, I mean miles, I was able to eclipse that made up goal and finish in 1:51:24.

So after a day that featured a 4:30am alarm, I no doubt had a number of observations. Here is a collection of those I remember nearly 12 hours later:

- You are guaranteed a PR (Personal Record) when it is your first race at that distance. Note to self, never run the same distance twice.

- I was offered a hit from a Vaseline board around Mile 8 or so. This is by definition commercial innovation (shout out to my P&Gers). It was simply a poster board with various size collections of Vaseline. I’m not sure what Vaseline does to help you run but that probably explains the pain I’m in now.

- The most difficult thing of the day was attempting to run, drink, and not drown. While it is important to have water, I didn’t want to slow down as I was running at such a blazing pace which led to me taking half a cup of water in the nose. Surprisingly it proves tough to breathe when you are using both breathing holes to consume water.

- Speaking of water, I learned you should treat the water stations as an open bar at a wedding. If they are open, you should be drinking. The minute you pass it up you find yourself wishing you would have gotten two. Especially considering there is no consistency in the amounts of water given. It ranges from tear drops to 16 ounce. It is kind of like a water lottery.

In honor of my first “half” marathon, I’m giving out aching knees to my peeps:

- JL – Thanks for coming out to support all the way in Long Beach. I really appreciated seeing a familiar face when I wanted to die.

- Dad – Thanks for the advice on the tights. I avoided the ridicule of the veteran runners.

- EW – Thanks for letting me hold the couch cuz.

- BT – Congrats on finishing the Chicago Marathon.

- FDG – Congrats on blowing my time out of the water in 40 degree Evansville weather.

- JH – Happy Birthday old lady.

Seriously, thanks to everyone that sent messages, texts, voicemails, thoughts, prayers, and everything else.

M. aka Your Favorite Runner

LA Chronicles 20.5

As if my car issues from the previous post were not enough. Yesterday I picked up a rental car while the Jeep is having a little plastic surgery done. (Nothing too serious just a little Cali Nip & Tuck.) I should have realized how this would turn out when I pulled into the lot. I don't know about you but I'm accustomed to seeing rows of similar vehicles based on the class. (i.e. Mid-Size, Full-Size, SUV) Not the Enterprise on La Brea. They take the "we'll pick you up" tagline serious. Basically all the employees drive in and rent out there own cars and take the bus home. It really did look like a parking lot at your local high school. It was full of two door, hatch-back, hybrid (without the electric benefits), 1996, beat-up, clown car options. I just knew they would drive my Pontiac G6 up once I filled out all the paperwork from some mysterious bat cave. Nope not today. I was lucky enough to pick from a Rio, Chevy Cobalt, and PT Cruiser. Now these options wouldn't be all that bad if they were new cars but again most of these cars have been to their 10 year high school reunion. I actually drove a better car while I was in high school…

Moment of silence for my 1992 Ford Escort WITH the "sport" spoiler….

But back to the rental, so I picked the Cobalt. She handed me the keys and it was only one key on the key chain. Nary a door opener. So I looked around on the ground because it must have fallen off of the key chain somewhere, right?? Nope this car has no keyless entry…matter fact the only entry you can do is with the key or having someone reach over and let you in. I haven't had to do that in a minute. But that wasn't the worst part. The windows are manual. I can't tell you how long I sat there looking for the window button. Everytime I pull up to a drive thru of any sort I'm pissed off. You know how many turns it takes to get the whole window down? 28 – I counted.

To make a long story short, here is a list of the things that surprised me with the 1998 Cobalt…
· No arm rests, nothing to rest your arm on…my deltoids were tired…
· Automatic lights, how you have automatic lights but manual everything else??
· Manual side view mirrors. To change the passenger side mirror I need to get out of the car, get in the other side and imagine what angle I need in the driver seat to see out the mirror…they definitely didn't walk through this in driver's ed…
· No floor mats. Why?
· Cigarette lighter and no ash tray…I don't smoke but don't tease me…
· One interior light and its one of those push button lights from the QVC channel…

I'm sure there is more but I've limited my time driving it based on the features listed above. Needless to say, I hope the surgery goes fine and I'm back to the "old" car very soon.

For shout outs, I'm giving away one full turn of the manual windows.
AM – your quick addiction to myspace tells me you should never try crack…
SO – cutting off all my Nati connections…isn't that like taking away my flashlight during the day?
BR – For finally getting LA into your travel rotation…even if it is next quarter
SK – your life…seriously…even when you are on IR, you are still playing the game…
Everyone who reads these things but doesn't leave a comment…

M. aka "Anti-Enterprise Rental Car Spokesman"

LA Chronicles 19.5

For those of you that keep up with the chronicles, you’ll remember my infamous “Welcome to LA” accident. (If you don’t, you should go back to read the first few posts and stop being lazy. It isn’t cute.) Well it has been a journey trying to get my car repaired. 67% of it is due to me and the other 33% is related to various life speed bumps. Of course I reported the accident to my insurance when it happened in order to get the claim set up but I didn’t run out to get the repairs quickly for a number of reasons:

1) My deductible is $500 which isn’t really attractive when you just moved and have to pay to restart your life across the country. Really I would not move back across the country again which means I’m pretty much stuck on this side of the east vs. west coast rap beef.
2) I didn’t want to be without transportation. Now I pay a premium to have rental car coverage but it’s the hassle of having to be carted from the auto shop to the rental car place or anywhere else for that matter. Ever since I turned 16, I’ve hated asking people for a ride anywhere. I think it has to do with being carted around for the majority of my life that I know rebel against it.
3) Fixing the fender would require me to get car washes every 5 days like every other Californian. I’m not ready for that commitment and a big dent is an easy out.
4) I thought it was kind of interesting for my car to have one dimple like me.

After I moved past these great reasons, I attempted to get the car fixed during the holiday break. I figured going into the New Year with a wrecked car was a bad omen. So I selected the closest body shop on the State Farm approved list. It just so happened to be the day that shop’s computers decided to take a holiday break with the rest of us. Not to mention the guy who does the estimates was on an never-ending lunch break. It was never-ending because no one knew when he would be back. Really? It is 11am and you don’t know when he might wander back to his JOB? The rational person would have gone to the second closest shop on the State Farm approved list. Well what is the one thing you may have learned from the previous chronicles? Yep, I’m not that rational. I liked the way this shop worked. No computers, no estimator. Sold! So I went home and continued my holiday break.

So now I’m considering (read as: will be) getting a new car. One that is a little easier on the gas card if you know what I mean. Also – I’m looking for a few more gadgets. It seems like every commercial has a car doing something crazy from parking itself to making you a Latte. Why should I miss out? Don’t worry I’m not buying into the hype and trying to keep up with the Joneses out here. Oh and I’m also required to stay more than 500 feet from the Bentley dealership. How was I supposed to know you can’t use a test drive for a first date?

If I plan on getting the new car then I have to get rid of the old car since I haven’t quite hit the cribs status where I need multiple whips. Matter of fact, I can say with 100% confidence that I wouldn’t even fill a 3 minute episode of cribs. I’d actually fit in a 60 sec commercial slot including the commercial.

And this is where the perfect storm begins:

1) I want a new car
2) I need to get rid of my old car to get the new car
3) My car registration expires on my birthday in March
4) I don’t want to pay registration twice this year
5) I need to get the old car fixed before receiving optimal trade in value

The above has encouraged me to follow through on getting the repairs done. Last week, I headed back to my favorite shop to only realize they need the insurance company to send the claim details before they can give you an official estimate. Why didn’t they tell me this when I was in there back in December? So I ask if there is anything else they can do since I’m already up there? They do an “unofficial” estimate which is the same as a real estimate except it doesn’t have the claim details. Don’t ask.

I then give State Farm a call. They give me the run around since my insurance is still in Ohio but the accident happened in Cali. (This is my attempt to hold out with Ohio rates as long as possible before switching over to one of the 10 highest insurance zip codes in the country) They pass me through to two other groups before I actually talk to someone that can help me out. (The unnecessary dialogue with the groups has been removed in the interest of the reader’s time.) They then set up everything and looks like I’ll have the repairs done next week. But with my luck I’m sure there will be a few more life speed bumps.

Now for the highly desired shout outs, I’m giving out dented fenders:
RC – For coming back, I missed you.
WC – For the call, glad to hear I’m not missing out on anything in the Nati.
AH – For jinxing the Lakers by claiming a victory before it was over.
SK, DG, EH, MC – Vegas is not ready for the arrival of the real All Stars.
KB – For telling me to call you but then having a new number you didn’t share.

M. aka “Speeding over life’s speed bumps”

LA Chronicles 18.5

Its been a long time…I shouldn’t have left you without a chronicle to read…I’ve spent the past three weeks or so thinking about all the things I could be writing about but I have yet to sit down and write them. I could come up with a lot of excuses but believe it or not the chronicles have slowed down because I was tired over the holidays and always on the go. A lot of things have happened since my last entry but nothing so crazy that I had to get it down on paper…So I’m going to just randomly talk about different things and see where it takes me…oh and some of these things will be completely made up…

- I’ve spent as many weekends in Vegas as I have in LA over the past month. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that you can’t have a gambling problem if you are winning. Anyone want to co-sign that? The crazy thing is I have two more trips planned to Vegas in the next two months. I’ve actually poured my 401Ks into a VegasRA (not to be confused with IRA)….I actually developed a “healthy” addiction to craps. It is by far the best and worst game ever. I made and lost more money on those dice than I’d like to divulge over the internet…for tax purposes…

- I spent New Year’s with the guy from the Allstate commercials…not in the 1 on 1 sense but we shared the same champagne (Why isn’t champagne pronounced the way it is spelled? It would make it a lot more fun to order.)…He was actually really nice until I asked him if he was in good hands…

- I started taking acting classes. My teacher says that I’ve got a gift but it just won’t help me in acting. It is funny how the rest of the class takes it so serious were I’m really just there for the free ice tea and cookies. They don’t like it when I express myself as an artist by free-styling from the script to make myself the main character.

- I took a boot-leg celebrity houses tour. Every thing about it was boot-leg except for the price. I could have used that money to play the field in Vegas…yes I have a craps problem. But the best part was that the tour guide didn’t really know everything about the houses. Once we realized this, we took upon ourselves to ask really hard questions that would further prove the point that she was completely lost. AND the bus was from 1960s. I saw why Rosa Parks didn’t want to sit in the back…And they didn’t finish the entire tour because of traffic like they didn’t know it was going to be traffic in LA….

- I finally joined a gym…and by join I mean I have a key fob that would give me access if I actually remembered where it is located. It seemed like a good idea while I was on Christmas vacation but I have yet to go back and again I could have spent that money in Vegas.

- I went to the Lakers vs. Heat game last night. It was my first time in Staples Center and for those of you that know me you understand how important an occasion it was for me. It was a great game but I must admit that the court looks so much bigger on TV than it does from the seats. It may have had something to due with the height at which I was watching the game. Actually half way through God asked me to move my head so he could see…but being able to witness my team take down the defending champions even without Shaq was well worth the impending neck problems.

- Lastly but probably most importantly, it is official - I am in a relationship. Some of you already know this and others have pointed out that I didn’t make an official announcement so here it is. I got a girlfriend, I got a girlfriend, I got a girlfriend. I’m still working on the her having a girlfriend part but check back…just jokes…well not really…but I’m kidding…unless…nevermind…And while I’m on the subject, why do people tell you your girlfriend is so pretty? It is almost like they are surprised or they think I’m way out of my league…Now don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly agree with them but I just wonder what causes you to tell someone that their significant other is attractive. Hopefully most people believe their SI is attractive. Or are you telling them, “Wow I would date your girlfriend had you not met her first or if you mess it up.” I digress…

In closing, I’d like to give out my normal shoutouts by passing out what I’ve received too many of in the New Year…bills…

QD/KD – Good seeing you guys over the break. You should come to Cali more often.
KW – congrats on the engagement.
CG – putting Miami in the travel rotation.
RC – thanks for the weekend.
EW – Happy birthday!
ANP – Congrats on move to Tokyo.

M. aka “Delinquent Chronicler”

LA Chronicles 17.5

First and foremost, I’m stealing this idea from Scoop Jackson on Page 2 on espn.com. (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jackson/061220) With that said, all content is unique to my thoughts and random musings.

The following is my list of things I’d ask the old guy in a red suit for:
More HD channels. Is it that hard? It would raise ratings significantly. Life is in HD and every channel should be as well. I guess it isn’t HD if you have bad eyesight but you get the point.
Safe travels for me to the smallest airport in the country. Well it may not be the smallest but I dare to say that no more than 3 of my friends have flown into, or out of for that matter, the Evansville, Indiana airport. It is actually used more by birds than planes.
Tax free winning lottery ticket. Emphasis on the tax free. I feel like I’m in the bend over and take it tax bracket.
The next myspace idea. It can’t be that difficult just take random mixture of things like music, internet, wasting time, pictures, and stalkers.
Playstation 3 – this is serious so if anyone knows where I can get one let me know.
A good hip hop soundtrack. Imagine a soundtrack with the likes of Outkast, Jay Z, T.I., Kanye, Common, Talib Kweli, Method Man, and Ludacris. Or atleast a cd that doesn’t require the skip button. Remember when you could put a cd in and hit random.
Someone to explain to me how we can sell a car that parks itself but can’t create a system that prevents delayed/canceled flights.
And while I’m on the subject of flights, can a brother get a meal on a 5+ hour flight.
Fix the traffic in LA.
More time. It is the one thing I run out of everyday. I’ve actually considered putting my To Do list on birth control.
A sequel to love and basketball titled Like and Lacrosse.
One day in the year where all races switch roles and get to act out their favorite stereotype.
The end of reality tv because every show they come up with hooks me. All I can say is Flava FLAVVVVV.
A New Year’s resolution. Everyone else seems to have one.
Everyone have a great holiday season with family and friends.

M. aka Santa’s helper

LA Chronicles 16.5

Is it still the LA Chronicles if I’m technically not in LA? Since I’m the boss of me (remember when you said this at least once a day when you were 8?), I say it works…I’m lucky enough to be in Detroit, MI. The funny thing is I was actually born here but I feel like I know my way around 10 other cities better than I do in Detroit and half of which I’ve never lived. Anyway – back to my reason for writing…

I’ve said over a few posts that my LA life consists of a perpetual game of freeze tag where I just wait for someone to tag me so I can actually move again…in traffic…in lines…in speed dating…you name it…However, I learned last evening that it is not just my LA life. It is my life in general. I spent approximately 450 minutes in the O’hare airport yesterday…which doesn’t sound that bad until you realize that there are only 1440 minutes in the day…I also spent the majority of this time waiting on a flight that would never take off…the reasons ranged from delay in another airport to wind to price of gas to incompetent fortune tellers…We finally took off at 11:15 pm CST only to arrive in Detroit at 1:23 am EST…But the waiting was not done there…we waited for our bags...we waited for a cab…and even waited for someone to help us at the front desk of the hotel…And I’m fine with waiting for things in LA because they usually are worth it…for instance waiting in traffic to see that special someone or waiting in line to get into a hot spot or waiting on your check to go blow it at Nordstroms…but waiting to go to Detroit…not quite in the top 10…probably wouldn’t make the top 87…

And in other news…for those of you that haven’t heard...our friend Snoop Dogg has been arrested for illegal possession of drugs and firearm…Now I’m not going to talk about what he should or shouldn’t be doing in terms of recreational activities because I blame his boys. How rich do you have to be to hire someone to carry your “substances” or “protection”…I’m going to go out on a limb and say he is the most important friend in his circle based on income. You think his boy might say, “Hey Snoop, let me hold that bag for you in case there are a few police around?” (Granted it would have included a few slang terms that ended in izzle or spaced out with the word church) But naw…they let their meal ticket get caught…and on that note…when someone gets arrested and they are your financial sponsor…where do you go to get bail money? Can you just stop by the precinct to pick up their debit card? Can you use a credit card to get someone out on bail? Is bail tax deductible? But I digress…I’m just saying no celebrity should ever get caught carrying an illegal object…and in the case he does it is on his crew and not him…

With all that said, I’m giving away 3 ounce ziploc bags not for what you are thinking right now but in honor of my time spent in the airport listening to that message over and over and over…you’d think they would record a few different versions just to be considerate…

MC – For telling everyone I only like light skinned, long haired women before my arrival in LA…
CG – For setting out Cincy even though I’m not going to make it there…
SO – For being the funniest person ever not be funny on purpose…
RC – Just cuz…

M. aka “Boss of Me”

LA Chronicles 15.5

It is that time of the year when everyone trades sleep in for good deals on early holiday gifts. It is the famous “Black Friday.” I’ve never been a fan of it since most items I’m looking to get on deals are never on sale the Friday after Thanksgiving. Things like Playstation 3s, Acura TLs, Pet Monkeys, Plane trips home, Anything in Nordstroms for men, or Lear Jets. Boy was I ever wrong…

Today I received the local sales papers for the neighborhood stores like CVS, Rite-Aid, Ralphs, etc. (Peep the west coast version of local stores…) I normally just throw these out with the bills I can’t afford to pay because of my gambling habit. However the sales pack was kind of thick and I associated that with good ads but don’t ask why. But since you will ask anyway because that’s what nosey people who read this chronicles do…It has something to do with the fact that the Sunday paper cost more than the papers the rest of the week because it is thicker…I didn’t make the rules I just follow em folks.

So I flipped through the pages looking for my Lear Jet or Monkey…only to be surprised with what seems to be good deals on alcohol. Now before you alcoholics start asking which store had the best deal, let us consider the scenario that has just been set up. You can now get the best deal on Hennessey at CVS where you can also get your prescription depression drugs…Hmmmm…What genius decided to discount top shelf alcohol in the same place that you can get drugs…Its like selling condoms at a sexaholics meeting…ok maybe not that extreme but you get the point…

So after I picked up my favorite spirits and my breathing medicine, I realized the convenience of the whole scenario. The only thing that I was missing was a built in gas station and a Popeyes. If I had a scanner to show you the ads I’d do it because something about seeing a line-up of liquor in the circular is hilarious and euphoric at the same time.

And now for the shout-outs, I’m giving out turkey legs in honor of Black Friday…what is funny is after all these shout-outs of random items…no one has ever tried to claim their prize…
MS – Being the one person on myspace more than me…it must be genetic…next thing you know mom will be on here…
RC – Thanks for including me on the family night even if the movie was a headache…and the leftover plate was great…
SK – Your life…Showtime…seriously…
KM – Most random texts ever…only to not respond to the reply text…
Everyone who believes me – using this as a catch all for those that want a shout-out…

M. aka “Frequent Spirit Buyer”