LA Chronicles 16.5

Is it still the LA Chronicles if I’m technically not in LA? Since I’m the boss of me (remember when you said this at least once a day when you were 8?), I say it works…I’m lucky enough to be in Detroit, MI. The funny thing is I was actually born here but I feel like I know my way around 10 other cities better than I do in Detroit and half of which I’ve never lived. Anyway – back to my reason for writing…

I’ve said over a few posts that my LA life consists of a perpetual game of freeze tag where I just wait for someone to tag me so I can actually move again…in traffic…in lines…in speed dating…you name it…However, I learned last evening that it is not just my LA life. It is my life in general. I spent approximately 450 minutes in the O’hare airport yesterday…which doesn’t sound that bad until you realize that there are only 1440 minutes in the day…I also spent the majority of this time waiting on a flight that would never take off…the reasons ranged from delay in another airport to wind to price of gas to incompetent fortune tellers…We finally took off at 11:15 pm CST only to arrive in Detroit at 1:23 am EST…But the waiting was not done there…we waited for our bags...we waited for a cab…and even waited for someone to help us at the front desk of the hotel…And I’m fine with waiting for things in LA because they usually are worth it…for instance waiting in traffic to see that special someone or waiting in line to get into a hot spot or waiting on your check to go blow it at Nordstroms…but waiting to go to Detroit…not quite in the top 10…probably wouldn’t make the top 87…

And in other news…for those of you that haven’t heard...our friend Snoop Dogg has been arrested for illegal possession of drugs and firearm…Now I’m not going to talk about what he should or shouldn’t be doing in terms of recreational activities because I blame his boys. How rich do you have to be to hire someone to carry your “substances” or “protection”…I’m going to go out on a limb and say he is the most important friend in his circle based on income. You think his boy might say, “Hey Snoop, let me hold that bag for you in case there are a few police around?” (Granted it would have included a few slang terms that ended in izzle or spaced out with the word church) But naw…they let their meal ticket get caught…and on that note…when someone gets arrested and they are your financial sponsor…where do you go to get bail money? Can you just stop by the precinct to pick up their debit card? Can you use a credit card to get someone out on bail? Is bail tax deductible? But I digress…I’m just saying no celebrity should ever get caught carrying an illegal object…and in the case he does it is on his crew and not him…

With all that said, I’m giving away 3 ounce ziploc bags not for what you are thinking right now but in honor of my time spent in the airport listening to that message over and over and over…you’d think they would record a few different versions just to be considerate…

MC – For telling everyone I only like light skinned, long haired women before my arrival in LA…
CG – For setting out Cincy even though I’m not going to make it there…
SO – For being the funniest person ever not be funny on purpose…
RC – Just cuz…

M. aka “Boss of Me”

LA Chronicles 15.5

It is that time of the year when everyone trades sleep in for good deals on early holiday gifts. It is the famous “Black Friday.” I’ve never been a fan of it since most items I’m looking to get on deals are never on sale the Friday after Thanksgiving. Things like Playstation 3s, Acura TLs, Pet Monkeys, Plane trips home, Anything in Nordstroms for men, or Lear Jets. Boy was I ever wrong…

Today I received the local sales papers for the neighborhood stores like CVS, Rite-Aid, Ralphs, etc. (Peep the west coast version of local stores…) I normally just throw these out with the bills I can’t afford to pay because of my gambling habit. However the sales pack was kind of thick and I associated that with good ads but don’t ask why. But since you will ask anyway because that’s what nosey people who read this chronicles do…It has something to do with the fact that the Sunday paper cost more than the papers the rest of the week because it is thicker…I didn’t make the rules I just follow em folks.

So I flipped through the pages looking for my Lear Jet or Monkey…only to be surprised with what seems to be good deals on alcohol. Now before you alcoholics start asking which store had the best deal, let us consider the scenario that has just been set up. You can now get the best deal on Hennessey at CVS where you can also get your prescription depression drugs…Hmmmm…What genius decided to discount top shelf alcohol in the same place that you can get drugs…Its like selling condoms at a sexaholics meeting…ok maybe not that extreme but you get the point…

So after I picked up my favorite spirits and my breathing medicine, I realized the convenience of the whole scenario. The only thing that I was missing was a built in gas station and a Popeyes. If I had a scanner to show you the ads I’d do it because something about seeing a line-up of liquor in the circular is hilarious and euphoric at the same time.

And now for the shout-outs, I’m giving out turkey legs in honor of Black Friday…what is funny is after all these shout-outs of random items…no one has ever tried to claim their prize…
MS – Being the one person on myspace more than me…it must be genetic…next thing you know mom will be on here…
RC – Thanks for including me on the family night even if the movie was a headache…and the leftover plate was great…
SK – Your life…Showtime…seriously…
KM – Most random texts ever…only to not respond to the reply text…
Everyone who believes me – using this as a catch all for those that want a shout-out…

M. aka “Frequent Spirit Buyer”

LA Chronicles 14.5

My 27th reason for moving to LA was to have a better chance of being on NEXT. For those of you without cable, in the dark on MTV’s selection of reality tv, or too mature for mindless tv programming, NEXT is a show where one person gets to go on 4 dates in one outing. They receive a companion one by one until they decide the companion is the one they’d like to spend the rest of their life or weekend (whichever comes first) entertaining with corny jokes (Maybe that’s just me). Otherwise if the companion isn’t their cup of tea, they yell out NEXT in the most insensitive method that causes the person to instantly go from a suitor to a cussing sailor about to walk the plank.

But back to my desire to be on NEXT…on my “daily” morning run (by daily I mean every day that I actually get up early enough to run which is 37% of the time give or take 15%) I saw a film crew in the park. It didn’t surprise me as they are constantly shooting shows everywhere out here. However to my delight, I saw the big NEXT bus in the parking lot. So here was my chance…

After walking through my options mentally, I sprang into action. Realizing that running into the scene would result in instant denial and potential incarceration time, I went for the subtle approach. I jumped on the bus…I figured I had good chances regardless of which portion of the show I was walking in on…A) If it was the guy portion, I could position myself as a last minute add on and steal some guys chance of being NEXT’d. B) If it was a female portion, I could position myself as the guy NEXT’ing everyone and decided to change the show up and do a group date…Well it ended up being C) The female portion where they are waiting to are waiting on a companion that isn’t a male if you know what I mean…talk about feeling worthless…Not to mention these snitches alerted MTV security (which never quite makes it onto the show but imagine a real life version of the Green Giant and Incredible Hulk love child…minus the green) which turned my “daily” run into a sprint…

All of that to say I’ve checked off 1 of the 100 things I’m supposed to do in my first year in Hollywood…But for shout outs, I’m giving out NEXTs…
RC – for rolling with the homie…lol…
AH – for being patient with the shout-outs…better late than never
TB – for that meal…you threw down on the chicken…
JZ – for Kingdom Come…
Everyone – Enjoy your Thanksgiving with family and friends…

M. aka “Companion Reject”

Speed Dating

Since I live my life one metaphor at a time, I thought I’d put together my thoughts on the state of dating. You may wonder why am I qualified to give such thoughts…well 1) I’ve dated before; 2) I can read; 3) You can convince yourself of anything at 12:30am; 4) I’m single and we all know single people give the best relationship advice.

Now for the metaphor, Dating is like driving a six speed. (Note to reader: I’ve never driven one but that doesn’t stop the comparisons.) I’ve come up with the stages/speeds of dating:

“6-Speed Dating”©
1 – Acquaintances – You know of each other and may even recognize each other with a head nod or eye lash movement.
2 – Friends – You hang out from time to time with groups. You have each others phone number if you ever need to borrow sugar.
3 – Good friends – You talk on the phone for no real reason except to complain about your boss.
4 – Dating – You have officially reached the romantic entry level. You are spending most of your time one on one but still go out with others but only if it is a iteration of a double date.
5 – Boo’d up – You stop getting phone numbers in the club. You have a pair of toothbrushes, one for her place and one for yours.
6 – Murried – You are ready to spend the rest of your life with this person and this person only. All that is left is to pick out kid names.

Ideally, a potential relationship would smoothly accelerate through the speeds as needed. Once the speed was maintained with no issues, you would shift up to the next speed unless you reach the point of needing an oil change. However, we all know things never happen as they are intended. We usually ruin the transmission of the relationship by starting in the 4th gear. Or we start in the 1st gear but accelerate through the speeds before we can properly leverage the speed level we are at. If we take our time and drive the relationship as a manual transmission vs. an automatic, we’ll be able to reach the 6th speed with no auto troubles.

All of that to say, make sure you rotate your tires regularly, check your windshield fluid, and spay/neuter your pets.

M.

LA Chronicles 13.5

I haven’t had a post in awhile because for some strange reason LA isn’t as surprising as it was in my first month. Some have even gone as far to say I’ve bought into the hype of being Hollywood. And by “bought into” I mean pay my rent every month. But I’ve had more interesting things happen lately that inspired me so without further ado…Well I have some ado left first…since I re-watched Finding Forester the other day which I’ll explain why in a minute…when they talk about starting sentences with a conjunction being grammatically incorrect. But I’ve decided to use it as may times as possible for emphasis…

And what is the reason I’m watching old DVDs you may wonder? Earlier this week my cable mysteriously stopped working. I say mysterious because a company that asked not to be named in this post (We’ll call them Warner Time) couldn’t figure out the issue via phone. So they scheduled an appointment to come out three days later. Three days later? It doesn’t seem that big of a deal but imagine not having cable or internet for 72 hours. Needless to say I’ve watched a number of old movies this week from Friday to Kings of Comedy to 8 Mile. Most people ask why didn’t I do something more productive such as reading…and I don’t have a good answer so refrain from asking pointless questions like that…

In other news, I came home the other day to a flyer under my door. I assumed it was your normal “Need a baby sitter”, “Storage Space”, or “Yard Sale”. But of course it couldn’t be that simple in LA. It was an “English Lessons” flyer. The funniest part is they aren’t teaching typical English or Grammer. They actually teach Movie English focused on Comedy, Drama, and Action. Also – the sessions are conveniently two hours. So if I do my math correctly they are putting in their favorite flick, popping popcorn, and inviting people over to their apartment and charging $30 per person.

And I finally found a barber. I was a little taken back last week when I hit a shop that someone recommended but the cat told me a cut cost $50. I’ll wait as you ask WTF?

So yeah this cat was serious. I asked myself what can make a haircut cost $50? Can it be like Costco and I was buying cuts in bulk? Can it be a new type of haircut that keeps your hair from growing…ever? Does he expect a tip on a $50 haircut? Does he have golden clippers? But I did find a barber that charges reasonable prices and actually did his thing on my cut.

And I’ll leave it at that so I can go experience more new things…But before I leave I’m handing out conjunctions…use them wisely:
LA – for the weather…I’m feeling it
RC – for the jumping party at Monroe’s…lol
JH – for stopping through the city of Angels
RA – Happy Birthday
JD – Happy Birthday
SR – Happy Birthday

M. aka “The Disconnected One”

LA Chronicles 12.5

“The waiting game…”

That simple line sums up my LA experience to date. It is rather funny how it permeates throughout my entire time here. From something as simple as waiting in line to get into a club to the pain of my October waiting on all of my earthly belongings to arrive in the 310. I’m beginning to think that God is having a little fun with me and testing my patience. Its like lines are inserted where they shouldn’t be. The other day I had to wait in line to use my own bathroom and I live alone.

I’ve decided to compile my top ten waiting moments of the past month. (Yeah I’ve been Hollywood for a month already and I haven’t changed that much…minus the paparazzi, wearing sunglasses in the dark, hiring personal assistant, taking 8x11 head shots to the grocery store, wearing my blue tooth headset in church in case my agent calls, referring to myself in the third person and starting my name with “The”. I’m still the same kid from Indiana.)

Top 10 waiting minutes in LA:
10) Waiting 2 hours to get into White Lotus to see nary a flower
9) Waiting 4+ hours to hear Jaguar Wright and then not realizing what she looks like
8) Waiting for Kobe to invite me to a Laker game
7) Waiting on MC’s couch to turn into a queen size heavenly bed
6) Waiting 90 minutes to get into club only to have the line move once I give valet our ticket
5) Waiting on my apartment/furniture longer than the start of the R Kelly trial
4) Waiting on Megan Good to drop the restraining order
3) Waiting on cold weather to start…I’m willing to wait this one out
2) Waiting in traffic for 3 hours a day which allowed me to appreciate the simpler things in life such as motion, acceleration, inertia and velocity
1) Waiting to run outta ish to write about…some reason I feel like this is going to be a while

Giving out Headshots today:
CS – Happy Birthday Mom!
JD – Hold down Vegas

M. aka “The Waiter”